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Joke of the Day

"Picking up this tiny piece of paper would take 1 second but instead I'm going to run over it 100 times with the vacuum at different angles."

"An example of men's inability to understand women - Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!"

"A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some."

"How many deadbeat dads does it take to change a lightbulb? I wouldn't know, mine's never around. (Alternately: ""Well, he went out to get one..."")"

"How do you know a shirt has phoned you? Collar ID"

"April Fools Day is ONLY for singles. The married have their anniversary ."

"I'm thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I'd still just be talking to myself"

"I wish I felt as much passion for something as my dogs feel towards the doorbell."

"I think more research needs to be done on the tube inside your body that carries Taco Bell food directly from your mouth to your butthole."

"I haven't been able to look at cereal since the time I walked in on my parents having Chex."