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Joke of the Day

"Picking up this tiny piece of paper would take 1 second but instead I'm going to run over it 100 times with the vacuum at different angles."

"Hello, oh you don't have a ramp I guess, okay well lets talk in the driveway my name is Professor X and I run a school for monster babies"

"Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom."

"Me: Here you go. Her: WTF? Me: It's the genital mold you wanted. Her: I said gelatin mold! Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*"

"News reports 5hr Energy may be linked to death. Don't know if it's an advertising gimmick or not but I bought a bunch to gift, just in case."

"'I HATE drama!' -Dramatic people"

"Big deal, McDonalds. We're all here for a limited time only."

"I have a weird quirk when watching Star Wars I wait for when someone is going to yell, ""R2!"" and yell out ""Am not!"""

"I banned birthday parties in the office because if you don't care enough about yourself to take the day off why should we care about you."

"[being chased round my house by a murderer] ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESS MURDERER: What? ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on"