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Joke of the Day

"I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck."

"Do you ever pretend like you didn't see something so the other person doesn't feel embarrassed."

"Log Entry 21: it's been 3 weeks & we're still lost in this Macy's. We were forced to eat Amy. Polo ties are now 40% off."

"The phrase, ""Don't take this the wrong way"" has a zero percent success rate"

"*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK"

"You remember, in 2008 and 2012, when the right rioted, burned police cars, trashed small businesses, and claimed that President Elect Obama was not their president? Huh, yeah me either."

"I don't know what my wife is most upset about today. The fact that she caught me having sex with her mother this morning or the fact that her mother died during her sleep last night."

"This Jew says to me ""The 90s called, they want their shoes back."" ""The 40s called, your shower's ready."""

"Your eyes say ""No, no!"" but your ball gag says...""Mmmph! Mmmph!"" Whatever, you have a boner so that's really all the affirmation I need."

"Dropped a Q-tip, but I caught it before it hit the ground. The ninja behind me said, ""Whoa."" Then we high-fived."