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Joke of the Day

"[speaking to a guy who looks nothing like Ed Sheeran] ""Hey man, do people ever say you look like Ed Sheeran?"" ""No"" ""Didn't think so"""

"How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? Strap a steak to the ceiling"

"[dentist's full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?] so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain"

"News: German diver receives a 0.0 score. Apparently, Olympic judges don't appreciate cannon balls."

"Somebody just said ""good morning"" to me in the elevator. Stare at the buttons like everyone else, asshole."

"Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around ""the law"". Judges don't like it."

"Did you hear the new Whitney Houston album? It didn't make much of a splash."

"Knock Knock Who's there ! Bridget ! Bridget who ? London Bridget is falling down falling down... !"

"How do astronomers organize a party? They planet"

"I've never had a better karate instructor than a spider web."