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Joke of the Day

"Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can't see."

"Go ahead and assume it's a banana; I'm rarely that happy to see anyone."

"I'd like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars. Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire."

"Tofu is really overrated It's just a curd to me."

"What do you get when you cross Jesus and a couple of criminals? A good Friday"

"I'm not saying... Putin is humiliating Obama, but the last time a Russian treated an African America like this, Apollo creed died."

"Rattlesnakes and condoms Two things I don't fuck with"

"I caught someone stalking me so I stalked them right back. It got awkward sitting in the same tree staring at each other."

"Mom She gave me life She gave me love She gave me sarcasm She gave me the ability to cut brake lines so that it looks like an accident."

"Guys are excellent cooks. With two eggs, a sausage and a little bit of milk; they can keep a girl's stomach full for 9 months.."