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Joke of the Day

"A book fell on my head today... I blame my shelf."

"[comes home from store] Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess... earmuffs were on sale? Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?"

"Why did the chicken cross the road? Some insensitive asshole was tapping it to certain death on his iPhone."

"At my daughter's dance recital. Wait. I don't have any kids. I'm leaving. These girls suck at ballet."

"Did you hear about the nun that bites her nails? You can say she has a bad habit."

"Why are Jewish Men Circumcised? Because Jewish Women won't buy anything unless it's 25% off. You're welcome Reddit"

"Good friends are like bottles of sweet wine .. that's why I keep mine locked in the cellar."

"Pickup Line! on a scale of 1 to 10, you are a 9 and I'm the 1 you need."

"How much does a hipster weigh? An Instagram!"

"""The N stands for number so no need to say 'PIN number'. ""Terribly sorry, I'll start again: 'You're dead if you don't give me your PIN'."