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Joke of the Day

"*walks into starbucks* Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!! *has choice of any table*"

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"How is Chinese airport security like a Russian woman? They'll fuck anybody with an American passport. I say this from experience."
"Bernie Sanders fans say ""Feel the Bern."" Gary Johnson fans say Feel the Johnson."
"2 atoms walk into a bar One atom says to the other, ""Oh no, I've lost an electron!"" The other asks ""Are you sure?"" To which the atom replies, ""I'm positive!"""
"""This is the bomb!!!"" --'90s terrorist"
"Sometimes my sense of humour is so dark... ... It picks cotton"
"""My friend got me a Fitbit"" ME: Oh yeh, heard of them, haven't got one tho ""u can buy them online"" ME [whispering] u can buy friends online?"
"What's the hardest part of the vegetable to eat? The wheelchair."
"Hey, Lucy! Does this rag smell like Chloroform to you?"
"All white people are part Asian... Their cock's Asian"
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