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Joke of the Day

"Be the first thought on her mind when she wakes up & the last before she sleeps... unless she's plotting your murder... then don't be that."

"The best revenge is living well, unless you own a flamethrower."

"I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist."

"My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, ""It's not working. I cant take it anymore, I'm going to moms"" I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold, WTF is she talking about?"

"What is the difference between batman and a black guy? Batman can walk into a store without Robin"

"How do you get down from an elephant? You don't. You get down from a duck."

"When I was at the diner tonight my waitress had a black eye. When I ordered I ordered real slow because apparently she don't listen so good."

"Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: ""Toast"""

"Why did the blind couple get divorced? They couldn't see eye to eye"

"A three-legged dog walked into a saloon in the Old West. He sidled up to the bar and announced, ""I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."""