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Joke of the Day

"Be the first thought on her mind when she wakes up & the last before she sleeps... unless she's plotting your murder... then don't be that."

"A group of toddlers is called a migraine"

"Things that just weren't meant to be heated in a microwave: lettuce, mustaches, avocados, sarcasm, other microwaves, oranges. And that's it."

"""Can I get 2 boxes of Sudafed?"" ""Sorry, by law you can only buy one at a time."" ""Okay then just the one box of Sudafed and these 7 guns."""

"Why are power tools good for bank robberies? They know the drill."

"Last week I went golfing and finally beat my wife... Those are two separate things."

"Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Because he's a fucking creep"

"What's Hitler's favorite video game? Mein Kraft"

"The older Cameron Diaz gets, the more she and Mickey Rourke look like brothers."

"What is the difference between a small vagina and a douchey midget? One is a runty cunt and the other is a cunty runt."