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Joke of the Day

"I wore a pedometer for a week. Good news -- I'm not a pedo."

"""And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?""-- Teen Brian Williams' mother"

"The shortest way to piss off a hipster... Apple phone & iwatch"

"What do white girls and Prime numbers have in common? They can't even.."

"So there's this guy that does nothing but masturbate and watch Netflix all day... Oh wait... That's me."

"The worst thing about finding out Santa isn't real is that you realise it was your parents who were to blame for all the terrible presents"

"Dear YouTube: Please just assume that I'd like to ""skip ad"". You don't need to ask anymore."

"In my most recent study, Ive found that saying ""I'll have a chicken pot pie, extra pot"" to KFC employees gets a laugh 4 out of 10 times."

"My father used to be a soap dealer... ...Don't worry, he's squeaky clean now."

"What's the difference between hanging with friends and jacking it on the toilet? One means you're taking a load off and shooting the shit, the other is taking a shit and shooting a load off."