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Joke of the Day

"Just recently I fucked a girl for an hour Thanks daylight savings!"

"Q: What is the difference between a dog and a viola? A: The dog knows when to stop scratching."

"Top Gear was twelve years old... That's one of the oldest things that the BBC staff have fucked."

"I went to specsavers the other day.. ...guess who I bumped into? Everyone!"

"I carry a magic 8 ball because no one should have to make tough decisions alone."

"What's the difference between Putin and Poutine? Umm... I don't know ... I've got nothing."

"*at movie theater* M: I'll take a large popcorn with extra butter. H: Sure. What movie are you seeing? M: I'm not."

"Why did balloon prices keep rising? Because they had to adjust for inflation."

"Just threw out my one night stand. There were termites."

"This lady at the store didn't know what a Toblerone was and I've honestly never been more offended in my life."