175572

Joke of the Day

"If it wasn't for my incredible willpower, I would be exercising right now."

"To prepare her for real life I make my daughter pretend to tweet on a toy phone when she's taking a crap."

"If a dog tells you you're dreaming... believe him."

"My girlfriend and I use ""laundry"" as a code-word for sex. Her dad asked me why I couldn't do the laundry by myself so I told him ""it's a big load""."

"If I fave ur tweet on a Friday night pls know I'm doing it from the party club, where I am partyclubbing with my [opens dictionary] friends"

"Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn't spent a lot of time around teenagers."

"Why is there no scope for dealers/middle men in the field of extractive metallurgy? Because he/she who smelt it, dealt it."

"Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives' approximations of human behavior"

"When asking a girl out it's important to show you respect her. Try writing your number on a Tubman Twenty so she knows your a feminist."

"What is DJ Khaled's favorite fraction? 1/9. Because, after the decimal, it's always another one."