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Joke of the Day

"What did the cat use to sharpen its claws? Me. Ow."

"'How I Met Your Mother'- is definitely The longest TED talk ever!"

"Two muffins are in the oven. One looks over and says, ""Gee, don't you think it's hot in here?"" and the other muffin says, ""AAAAHHH!!!! A talking muffin!!!"""

"My friend dropped his phone in the toilet It was a shitty phone anyway True story"

"A poll showed that North Korea is the happiest nation in the world! 100% of citizens reported being happy!"

"As I've gotten older, I've realized the world can be seen through a million perspectives. Mine and 999,999 wrong ones."

"""Lets put the slowest computer ever into the gas pump & make people answer 15 questions before we allow them to pump gas"" - Pump Engineers"

"I almost got busted for shoplifting candy today... But I got out of it. I've got a couple of twix up my sleeve."

"Not only is it daylight savings time today, but also Int'l Women's Day. Because apparently a full 24 hours to celebrate women would have been just a bit much."

"ME: it's horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy GUY: you mean *wouldn't* ME: hahahahahaha you're sweet"