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Joke of the Day

"Two muffins are in the oven. One looks over and says, ""Gee, don't you think it's hot in here?"" and the other muffin says, ""AAAAHHH!!!! A talking muffin!!!"""

"THEM: You can't go wrong with this recipe. ME: Watch me."

"Just once I want to see ""Soooo many animals harmed in the making of this movie. Like, SO many. An insane amount. Too many, probably."""

"Saw an ad for a used battery in the paper today: ""Slightly rusty, in need of repair but has potential"""

"Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis? A. At a secondhand store."

"Saw a ""Don't Text and Drive"" sign on my way into work today. Good thing I took a second to look up from my phone, otherwise I may have missed it."

"Marriage is like a trip to the museum... You have to be really quiet and you can't touch anything."

"A friend is like a book: you don't need to read all of them, just pick the best ones."

"If I was one of the seven dwarfs I'd be Nopey."

"alcohol has an odd way of revealing who we really are. turns out, I'm batman."