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Joke of the Day

"I have an EpiPen I don't need it but I always keep it for sentimental value. A friend of mines gave it to me as he was dying, I don't know why but it seemed very important to him I had it."

"What'd the banana say to the vibrator? Why are you shaking? She's gonna eat me."

"Are you a psychic porn star? Because you're blowing my mind"

"It's so hot outside, I bet Jehovah's Witnesses are going to start telemarketing."

"Scientists: Don't freak out about Ebola. Everyone: *Panic!* Scientists: Freak out about climate change. Everyone: LOL! Pass me some coal."

"I need your best pickup lines I'm going to be in a contest where one section is about giving your best pickup lines. Do you have any good ones?"

"Anyone need a break up line? ""It's not you... but maybe it's Maybelline. Clowns wear less makeup than you"""

"I feel like a mentally disabled person with an Australian accent would be the most annoying thing ever."

"Friend: Hey guess what? Me: What? Friend: No, guess! Me: I don't need this friendship that bad."

"HOW TO JOG: 1. Put on jogging outfit. 2. Go outside. 3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street. 4. Try to milk that cow."