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Joke of the Day

"I rely too much on Outlook. My calendar has ""leave work"" at 6, ""brush teeth"" tonight at 11, and a ""blink"" alert recurring every 2.5 seconds."

"What did Einstein eat as a baby? Formula!"

"What does a Chicago police officer and a professional skateboarder have in common? They both shred footage. (*be gentle, it's my first time.*)"

"In Iran, everyone's scared of spiders.. But in Iraq, no phobia."

"I'm not flirting with you. I'm just nice. Get over yourself. Except you. You get under me."

"I wish I had emo hair So it would cut itself."

"(climbing out of my coffin) I'm sure you all have a lot of questions, but firstly the reason I faked my death is- [nobody is at my funeral]"

"I married two women last week Wasn't that big o' me"

"What is Al Qaeda's favourite team? New York Jets"

"What's red and sits in a corner? A baby with razorblade. What's red and green and sits in a corner? The same baby 3 weeks later."