174336

Joke of the Day

"Maybe this is just the wine talking, but I'm fermented grapes inside a guy's stomach making him think he really likes you"

"The fastest way to find out if your wife is just pretending to be asleep to avoid sex is to pick up her phone and start scrolling."

"Doctor: are you an active marijuana user? Me: not really, I usually just sit on the couch and play video games"

"Who's this Rorschach guy... And why does he paint so many penises?"

"[David Attenborough narrating my life] Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall"

"I got enough money to retire and enjoy life without ever working again.. .. if I die within the next month."

"David Cameron walks into a sandwich shop with a pig... The shopkeeper says ""alright dave, pulled pork ?"" ""No mate, she's just a friend."""

"A man took an airline to court because his luggage was stolen. Unfortunately, he lost his case."

"Me: *explains idea* Boss: That's the dumbest idea ever Me:*clears throat* *repeats exact same idea in a British accent* Boss: Brilliant!"

"Why are pilots so honest? Keep those maintenance issues quiet. I want lies, frankly. ""We're delayed because we're winning a safety award."""