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Joke of the Day

"Mail some pirates a treasure map leading to the exact spot where you need a hole dug for a tree."

"I JUST CONSUMED SO MUCH SUGAR THAT I FEEL ALL SHOUTY IN MY HEAD AND CAPS LOCKY AND HOLY CRAP HOW DO PEOPLE DO ACTUAL DRUGS"

"There are two kinds of people that I hate... 1.) Those who can never seem to form a complete thought."

"Girls: I hangout with guys, theres less drama. Me: I hangout by myself. Theres no drama & I dont have to wear pants."

"Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question 'What's up?'"

"Two Condoms are walking past a gay bar... ... one turns to the other and says, ""Wanna go get shit faced?"""

"Why did the orange fall out with the orange-peeler? Because he was taking the pith. /gets coat. bai."

"What do you get when you cross a highway with a lawnmower? Killed."

"A grasshopper walks into a bar bartender says...""Hey, we have a drink named after you."" Grasshopper says ""You have a drink named Jeff?"". budum pshhhh."

"INTERVIEWER: what's your greatest strength? ME: I'm good at untying knots INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?"