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Joke of the Day

"I JUST CONSUMED SO MUCH SUGAR THAT I FEEL ALL SHOUTY IN MY HEAD AND CAPS LOCKY AND HOLY CRAP HOW DO PEOPLE DO ACTUAL DRUGS"

"What file turns a 1mm hole into a 10mm hole? A paedophile."

"You're going to look great at your prom. If you're thin and spent 3 grand on a dress. Otherwise you'll look like a dumpy Russian hooker."

"What's the best time to go to a dentist? Two thirty"

"I auditioned for a role in Star Wars: The Force Awakens Unfortunately, I was a white male."

"ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal] WAITER: please stop touching me"

"Should I Get In Trouble For Something I Didn't Do... Student: Should I get in trouble for something I didn't do? Teacher: No of course not! Student: Oh, OK great. I didn't do my homework..."

"What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are $1.25 but deer nuts are always under a buck."

"If someone says you're a nice person, these things will happen: 1) They will ask you for a favor. 2) You will not get laid."

"Why did prince Oxygen inherit the throne after the king died? Because he was the rightful heir"