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Joke of the Day

"What do you get when you play a country song backwards? Your wife back, your dog back, your house back..."

"I ran over someone and now there's a bunch of flowers where it happened. It's like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts"

"When police tell you to put your hands up and stop running you can still legally flee with a rapid series of cartwheels."

"What does Captain Falcon drink in Hawaii? PUNCH!"

"I love how coffee tricks me into believing I'm in a good mood for about 27 minutes"

"The first rule of Chinese Whispers Club is... ...don't talk about Tiny Whiskers Grub"

"50 shades of grey broke a lot of box office records for R-rated movies... Well first it tied them, then it beat them."

"Boss: you spend a lot of time on your phone! Me: you spend too much time watching me. Don't you have work to do?"

"Damn you titties, stop being so glorious. Your owner is trying to tell me something and I need to make eye contact."

"What do you call a pun in a marathon? A running joke"