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Joke of the Day

"I'm rubber, you're glue, we're both living a nightmarish existence as self-aware inanimate objects. Someone please kill us."

"How do you find will smith in the snow? You look for fresh prince."

"""How do you speak with an American accent?"" ""Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you're out for revenge."""

"What's the difference between an Irishman and a bottle of whiskey? The whiskey usually doesn't get drunk until it's at least ten years old."

"ME: Onions make me cry. HER: It's from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide. ME: I think it's probably cuz an onion killed my parents."

"The doctor said to the patient We had to remove a part of your anus Patient- will I be any different? Doctor-Just less of an asshole Edit 1- Changed rectum to anus, credit u/RigorMortis76"

"I parked in a disabled space today... ...and a traffic warden shouted to me, ""Oi, what's your disability?"" I said ""Tourettes! Now fuck off!"""

"FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who's boss ME: damn right [later] ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim"

"I went to see an evening of vegetables doing stand-up last night. It wasn't to my taste though - too many crudites"

"A German got pulled over by the police in France. Police officer: ""Name?"" German: ""Heinrich Klimt"" Police officer: ""Age?"" German: ""31"" Police officer: ""occupation?"" German: ""No, no. Just visiting"""