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Joke of the Day

"Guess how I spell distraction? R-E-D-D-I-T"

"One time I saw a duck get hit by a wonder bread truck and that's pretty much why I try not to get too ambitious"

"ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote's son FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level AGAINST: one of them is a dog"

"Why do Chihuahuas have such short necks? Because their heads are so close to their bodies!"

"My nephew ran in and jumped on me while I was napping. I handled it well. If ""handled it well"" means ""punched a 9-year-old in the kidneys."""

"Q:What did one plate say to the other plate? A:('Lunch is on me!')"

"Renewing public sector is like moving a graveyard. You won't get much help from those already there."

"What did a black twin called his brother before they're born? Inmates"

"Daughter (5): ""Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline"" Me: ""Well you're short and can't spell chrysanthemum"""

"Me: *crawls in window* Him: What are you doing?! Me: You're my boyfriend now? Him: I'm calling the cops Me: But you retweeted me??"