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Joke of the Day

"Daughter (5): ""Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline"" Me: ""Well you're short and can't spell chrysanthemum"""

"If Twitter was invented by a woman, The character limit would be 10,000 characters."

"That depressing moment when you plug your phone in your charger and hours later you realise your charger wasn't plugged in."

"Anti-Jokes So a horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, ""Why the long face?"" The horse says, ""My wife is dying of terminal cancer."""

"[rolls down car window] ""Sir there's a baby on your roof!"" Wait, if the baby is there... [sees coffee strapped in car seat] Oh thank god!"

"I just took laxatives and huffed some nitrous oxide... for shits and giggles."

"Mom always said she didn't have a favorite child, which was tough because I don't have any brothers or sisters."

"What's the difference between a Jew and a canoe? A canoe tips"

"My girlfriend broke up with me because I supposedly"" take things too far"" So I called the police."

"There are two muffins baking in an oven: One muffin says to the other, ""Damn it's hot in here!"" To which the other muffin says, ""Holy shit a talking muffin!"""