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Joke of the Day

"My father wants me to treat him like a king So I stabbed him while he was sleeping. The succession line has to go on, dad."

"Don't make fun of a fat man with a lisp. He is probably thick and tired of it"

"[funeral] ME: I never know what to say at these things. WIDOW: sorry for your loss. ME: it's ok, I'm sure I'll think of something."

"A man went to grab some Viagra... out of the cupboard, but accidentally grabbed some twink. He awoke in the morning with a correction."

"What is a broken drum kit's favorite file format? PDF puh-duh... ffffff"

"I think I may have insomnia But whatever, I won't lose any sleep over it."

"If you told me in 1995 that you had to use an mp3 player to copy programs to a telephone in the future, I'd assume you had brain damage"

"People who leave voicemails are probably the same people who will wait in line to have someone bag their stuff when self-checkout is free."

"Where do adolescent gangsters go? The childhood"

"They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s."