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Joke of the Day

"Autocorrect just changed ""carnie"" to ""catnip"" and now all my friends think I slept with a bunch of catnips last night."

"What did God say when he made the first black guy? ...Oops I burned one!"

"I don't get why women are complaining that Plan B doesn't work if you're over 180 lbs If she's over 180 lbs, she's already Plan B!"

"Free admission to Disney On Ice!! Just push your knee against your eyes and you'll get to watch This Knee On Eyes."

"If you ever meet me please remember that I literally have a headache all the time"

"What's the difference between fucking you and 9/11? No one forgot about 9/11"

"Wow, busy day for Donald Trump. Tomorrow he'll probably ban dogs from homes, end Star Wars, put spiders in every shower and outlaw dreaming."

"Someone called me selfish and then paused as if they expected me to argue."

"Two cops knocked on my door Me: What do you want? Cops: We just want to talk. Me: How many of you are out there? Cops: There's two of us. Me: So why don't you talk with each other?"

"What do pancakes do when they are scared? They crepe themselves ;D"