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Joke of the Day

"We had a safety meeting at work today. They asked me ""what steps would you take in event of a fire? ""Fucking big ones"" was apparently not the right answer."

"Yo mama's so fat When she backed up her pictures to iCloud, the entire sky fell."

"My dad gave me a stamp collection for my birthday... I said, ""Did you buy these or save them from all the years of not paying child support."" -Courtesy of Tommy Johnagin"

"What is the difference between a beautiful dress and a bottle of Whisky? A beautiful dress can make one girl look gorgeous... A bottle of whiskey can make all girls look gorgeous."

"We're probably accidentally giving ghosts handjobs all the time."

"So the square root of -1 is performing in a Broadway show Suddenly, an audience member stands up and shouts ""I'm sure everyone will agree that i could replace you!"""

"I Hate When Old People Poke You at a wedding and say ""you are Next"". So next time i was at a funeral I poked them and said ""You are Next""."

"Imagine me sitting alone, pouting in a wedding dress with a defeated slump and unwrapping and eating a Snickers bar. That's my fetish."

"I'm shocked that not one dairy farmer in Israel has thought to call his company ""Cheeses of Nazareth""!"

"Happy Fourth of July. May your emails be gathered and your drones fly forever free!"