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Joke of the Day

"When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful."

"Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine."

"The most dire of Jay-Z's 99 problems is his inability to properly delegate minor problems."

"I don't like wearing sandals, they rub me the wrong way... To be fair, that does explain the blisters."

"One of those people out there with protected tweets is your therapist passing your problems off as jokes."

"This girl I'm currently seeing is very flexible, just what I like. She comes round every Wednesday, Thursday and Saturday."

"Me when my friends are sad: 268 text messages of advice and tell them how perfect they are. Then when I'm sad: Oh, sorry ."

"The life of a clown A clown goes to his boss to ask for a raise, the boss replies: ""20 years working for me and you finally make me laugh."""

"Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories."

"""I've turned over a new leaf"" ~ me explaining to the nissan salesman that I had an accident on the test drive"