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Joke of the Day

"I play my women like I play the cello. I don't play the cello."

"A feminist, a vegan, and a person who does CrossFit walk into a bar. I know this because they didn't shut up about it the entire night."

"What do you call an Ethiopian family photo A Bar Code."

"Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest and disingenuous."

"What are you if you aren't European? Eurapoopin. -my daughter"

"If you don't sleep now, you'll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you'll fail in the exam. Life is a mess."

"[first date] Me: don't let her know you're a lizard Her: why did you just say that? Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)"

"Hey baby, are you a cloud server? Because I have something to upload from my hard drive."

"Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they'll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside"

"If time means money... ...then an ATM is **A** **T**ime **M**achine."