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Joke of the Day

"If you don't sleep now, you'll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you'll fail in the exam. Life is a mess."

"You wake in a field, nude, grass stained elbows, knees and a condom in your ass, Do you tell anyone? No? Wanna come camping with me this weekend?"

"[inventing trees] Angel: what purpose do they serve? God: cats climb em Angel: can they climb back down? God [inventing the fire dept]: nope"

"What happened when Dumbo went to a mindrreader? They gave him his money back."

"WIFE: What are you doing? ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs? ME: WIFE: You fell down the stairs ME: Yes"

"How do you call unexpected pregnancy in German? Kinder Surprise"

"I milked the cow ""We don't have a cow"" the neighbors' cow then ""Their cat?"" Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo ""Meow"" Ah shoot"

"stadium announcer: ""STADIUM!"""

"20 year old me: *imagines awesome career, travelling the world, being in love* 32 year old me: *tweets*"

"What does a Japanese girl ride?? Niisan."