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Joke of the Day

"Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily."

"It's 3000 AD. Everything is fleek. President Updog has dissolved congress. Women make 700x what men do. I'm still writing 2014 on my checks."

"How can you tell if a witch is on a diet? Her food is potion-controlled."

"Thanks for explaining the word ""joke"" to me. I still don't know what it means."

"Bitch, shut up and look riveted as shit while I get stoned and talk about crossbows for like three hours."

"African American Letters. They are all blackmail."

"This guy in an overcoat walks up to two old nuns on a bench and opens up his coat to reveal he's completely naked underneath. One of the nuns has a stroke. The other one couldn't reach"

"I honestly have no idea how I stopped petting the first dog I ever pet."

"Whats the difference between a pizza and a Jew? The pizza doesn't scream in an oven."

"Starbucks job interview: ""What's your name?"" ""Alyssa"" ""Spell that please"" ""L A R I S S A"" ""When can you start?"""