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Joke of the Day

"Did you hear about the mechanic who was addicted to brake fluid? He said he could stop at anytime."

"What do you call rice on 2 legs? Pi Ok, I'm leaving now."

"What do you call a 5 year old kid with no friends? A Sandy Hook survivor All they wanted was books but instead they got magazines"

"I was riding my Vespa and nearly got hit by a Prius, that would have gone down in history as the gayest wreck EVER."

"I'll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus... See ya at the cemetery!"

"[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE'S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN'T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD"

"What did 0 say to 1? You're turning me on"

"So far, not a single girl I've asked is interested in a fling. I don't think they trust my human catapult."

"What's green, fuzzy and could kill you if it fell from a tree? A pool table"

"My wife fave birth to our daughter yesterday. She was born with jaundice So there she was - small round and yellow. We called her *melon*-y"