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Joke of the Day

"I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer I saw it through my telescope last night."

"I am willing to promise my kids anything just so they go away for a while. I learned that trick from the government"

"Her: Did you hear that eating curry can get rid of bad memories? Me: So I should take you out for Indian AFTER we have sex?"

"Looks like the UK didn't read the fine print when cutting off ties with the EU... You Brexit, you bought it."

"HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK: STEP 1: buy a recliner STEP 2: buy some beer STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods"

"I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems."

"You call it reckless driving, I call it searching for my lighter."

"Waiter: how do you want your burger? Me: *points to girl at another table not taking a picture of her dinner* that rare"

"I think it's nice that the vowels sometimes let ""Y"" into their crew."

"what am I? I'm owned by every man, though my length differs. Their wives use me after getting married Last Name"