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Joke of the Day

"I got in a fight with Dwayne Johnson. As I threw the first punch, he turned around on the spot. And that, that is when I knew I'd hit rock bottom."

"My new girlfriend asked me how many girls I've slept with. ""Eleven,"" I replied. ""Wow! You must be a player,"" she laughed. ""No,"" I said, ""I'm their coach."""

"What do you call a Mexican midget? A paragraph, he's to short to be an essay"

"Jack is coming over. ""Jack from work or Jack and the..."" [a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]"

"I don't really know how to tell jokes"

"How do redditors get their water? From a well, actually"

"Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens....hold on, I have a list."

"What is the difference between a prostitute and a Democrat? A prostitute stops screwing you when you run out of money."

"no thanks La-Z-Boy. I like my furniture gender neutral"

"Astronaut: Dave, that's not necessary in zero-G. Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this."