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Joke of the Day

"Astronaut: Dave, that's not necessary in zero-G. Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this."

"Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school."

"Why was Georg Ohm such a badass rockstar? Because he knew a squared amp and resistance gave you power"

"I used to play checkers with my dad but he would always beat me. Probably because I would always win at checkers."

"Life milestone: when your iPhone stops autocorrecting ""fuck"" to ""duck."""

"Ma'am, your son is dead. Why, what happened, officer? He wasn't white and that wasn't right, we found he was black, and that was whack, so we shot him in the back."

"I haven't been drinking. I know what day it is. I didn't lose my pants. This might be my car. I know how to drive. -Lies I've told to cops."

"Why are the Jews angry about the new $20 bill? Because it's only worth $12 now"

"Persuading girl into having sex with you is like spreading the butter on a toast. It is possible with credit card, but it makes more sense using a knife."

"[landlord showing new tenant around] ""No smoking allowed"" ""How about pets?"" ""That's fine"" [dog walks in and lights up] ""We'll take it"""