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Joke of the Day

"Don't talk to me until I've had my coffee, my breakfast, lunch, juice, dinner, and at least two glasses of wine."

"All my life I've wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it."

"Tinder is such an useless app The only match it gave me was of my wife.."

"What pizza topping to Koreans enjoy the most? Pupperoni"

"What's red and hangs from the ceiling? A red ceiling hanger! What's blue and hangs from the ceiling? [you reading this] I don't fucking know, a blue ceiling hanger? No asshole, they only come in RED!"

"I'm so sick of people looking at me funny because I choose to breast feed. If I wanna get my milk straight from the cow, then that's up to me."

"Have you seen the Australian version of Breaking bad? He get's cancer and Medicare covers his costs and the series ends."

"Every car should also have a second, super gas light so you know when you actually need gas."

"Pro Tip: Do not let your kids push that red button in the elevator. The fire department will NOT think its adorable."

"You know what's way better than an iPod? A zune"