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Joke of the Day

"Remember that scene in Die Hard qhen the hero squeezes the magazine's boobs? Now he can really die hard."

"I used to have a bird called ""Stockholm syndrome"" who lived on my shoulder. I used to hate the bastard, but in the end, he grew on me."

"My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure. So I told him if he didn't stop bleeding right away, he'd die."

"Why was the lobster upset? Because he found out his friends thought he was a little crabby!"

"[speed dating] DATE: ding ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth DATE: no ME: we have 4 minutes left DATE: *louder this time* ding"

"Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, ""Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here."" Helium doesn't react."

"In my opinion, reflex testing is pointless. I just don't find any value in knee jerk reactions."

"""Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly"" *gestures to 237 IKEA boxes* ""Let's begin! Who's got the Allen wrench?"""

"A snowstorm knocked out the power of a black man's house, so he went out to investigate. He's the only blackout in a whiteout."

"Q: What do you call a bunch of dead black people in a barn? A: Out dated farming equipment."