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Joke of the Day

"So my girlfriend caught me... My girlfriend caught me blow-drying my penis. She asked, ""what the hell are you doing?!"" Apparently ""heating up your dinner"" wasn't the right answer."

"What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?"

"My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down."

"""Does my bum look big in this dress?"" my wife asked this morning. I said ""No, but the dress does look quite small on your arse""."

"Setting off the security sensor when exiting a store should involve a trap door or at least a big net that scoops the suspect up."

"Why ebola medicine doesn't work in Africa? Because it can't be taken on empty stomach"

"Why does a VC always enter a room backwards? To keep an eye on the exit"

"A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they're useful messages. Like ""remember you have yoga at 6 tonight"""

"What rhymes with computer? No it doesn't..."

"I hate when my kids say ""But mom; it was an accident!"" So were you pumpkin, but I still have to take responsibility for you."