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Joke of the Day

"The front desk lady at this remote motel is barely concealing her howling desire to graphically murder me. I'll be honest, it's refreshing."

"If I were British these tweets would be worth 1.61 times as much."

"It was my first time, I was nervous The first time I had sex I was really nervous, so I imagined my partner naked, it didn't help."

"I bet nobody here knows the name of the ""unknown soldier"" It's probably because they're so undrground."

"I was so excited when I saw the Nail Polish advertisement Because I want to sleep with this girl from Poland"

"What did Tarzan shout when he saw the elephants coming up over the hill? ""Here come the elephants up over the hill!"""

"Divorce lawyers all over the world are rubbing their hands together in glee now that Twitter DM has a picture function."

"When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work. Can't reward bad behavior with a positive response. Training works both ways"

"You don't get smarter as you get older. There just aren't any stupid things left that you haven't already done."

"What did the cookie say to the cracker? You feeling salty bro?"