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Joke of the Day

"Ah Twitter, never have so many said so much that mattered so little to so few."

"HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted HER: Oh thanks! What's in it? HIM: What do you mean, ""in it""?"

"I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods."

"Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don't catch slurpees."

"Why are women like parachutes? Because if they don't spread they are worthless."

"What do you call Taylor Swift when she squats low? No ass to the grass"

"A new scientific study regarding pizza determines who is most susceptible to burns. Turns out it is the Hipsters because they eat it before it's cool."

"How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? Again with the victim blaming, jerk? Don't tell us to change the lightbulb, tell the lightbulb to not need changing."

"What do you do when you come across an elephant? Wipe it off and apologize."

"To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*"