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Joke of the Day

"My ex... My ex was like a rock pool. Shallow, but interesting. And upon closer inspection I found crabs."

"I don't know why there's such a stigma on masturbation. I find that it really comes in handy."

"Whenever I think of a funny status I always get a pen and write it down so I can use it later, and if the pen is too far away I just convince myself that it wasn't that funny anyway."

"What is the favorite saying of a police officer in the Simpsons? If it's yellow let it mellow, if it's brown shoot it down."

"They should put Prince on the $20 bill... They should put Prince on the $20 bill and call it $19.99... It's ""The bill formerly known as a twenty."""

"I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty."

"They asked if I wear boxers or briefs.... Depends"

"On my deathbed, I hope to be surrounded by family and friends while I take a few last second glances at Twitter on my iPhone."

"I'm not saying she's a slut but she did get fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job."

"I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself."