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Joke of the Day

"They should put Prince on the $20 bill... They should put Prince on the $20 bill and call it $19.99... It's ""The bill formerly known as a twenty."""

"Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life."

"Why did the vulture fly United Airlines? Because they allow 1 free carrion"

"Sometimes people ask me how I got so funny and I say ""It's easy. I'm just deeply, deeply sad and my life feels unnecessary and empty"""

"Why can't American engineers design linear actuators? Because they always try to maximize the degrees of freedom."

"Apparently you can't make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don't waste your time."

"*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah* Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!"

"What do you get if you cross a 20-year-old man, and 37 steak knives? 25 years in prison"

"Vote early and vote often! This *used* to be a real joke"

"What does a zombie conductor say? Traaaains."