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Joke of the Day

"[eharmony] based on your responses, your perfect match is a trashcan.. [me] aww [eharmony] ..full of raccoons [me] omg I love raccoons"

"Had to get sticky tape and gift tags surgically removed from my body at the hospital... Proving once again that white guys can't wrap."

"What's a burnt pizza, frozen beer, & a pregnant girl have in common?? . In each scenario, there's a dumb guy who didn't take it out in time."

"The best part of necrophilia You don't have to bring flowers"

"I like my women like I like my sandwiches crusty and filled with cheese."

"Why exactly did the teenage mutant ninja turtles need to wear masks? That shit doesn't fucking add up."

"Went to the zoo today. There was only one animal. It was a ""shitzu."""

"Subway is similar to prostitution. You pay other people to do your wife's job."

"She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!"

"There was a time when men expected to be your lover without getting with your friends. That all changed in 1996. Let me tell you a story..."