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Joke of the Day

"I'm not one of those moms who talks about her kids all the time because their lives don't interest me in the least."

"Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you're about to throw yourself at me."

"What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo ? One is really heavy........ The others a little lighter."

"One of my cats learned how to open doors and now he opens doors for the dog and I live in an 90's family movie."

"If by ""flexible"" you mean ""can I get my foot behind my head?"" then yes, I am. If you mean ""can I get my foot back down?"" then no, I am not."

"A female officer arrests a drunk. She warns him, ""You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you."" The drunk replies, ""Boobs."""

"When impersonating a coworker, I like to add a little extra dumb to their voice."

"What's the difference between a woman and a toilet? The toilet doesn't insist on cuddling after you drop your load in it."

"George Soros is a big reason im voting for Hillary! His voting machines didn't really give me a choice."

"Enough with the cutesy-chubby sidekicks, 3D animation studios."