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Joke of the Day

"Your opinion is very important to me, please remain on the line until it goes to voicemail."

"It's not a real twitter addiction until you look up from your phone and you've missed your exit by 37 states."

"I saw a flock of angry ducks the other day. I wonder why they were in such a fowl mood."

"If Finn hooks up with Rey... He'll be the first Stormtrooper ever to hit something!"

"Five second rule? Pfft. What's the point of having an immune system if you're not going to use it?"

"I was going to make a joke about relaxing meditation techniques... ...but zen again, maybe I won't."

"ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair YOU: Ok ME: [drinks from toilet like dog] YOU: You've made your point I'll wash up some glasses"

"What's that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah...39"

"Why do they run the credits at the beginning of Game of Thrones? Because you don't know who is going to make it to the end."

"Why do feminists make bad mass shooters? Because they always give a trigger warning."