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Joke of the Day

"Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in? Me: Is married a number? That's how I get the good meds..."

"[COPS] *into radio* We've got a drunk man in the park who thinks he's a lion tamer. ""SIR! PUT THE WHIP DOWN & STEP AWAY FROM THE CAROUSEL!"""

"You know the difference between a chick pea and a garbonzo bean? Nobody will pay to watch a garbonzo bean"

"What do you get when you cross peanuts and almonds? Deez Nutz"

"TIL there are a lot of #1 rules for being a prostitute"

"What is the difference between jam and jelly? I can't jelly my cock in your ass. Yup, from HIMYM, but I believe in the episode Barney asked, ""What's the difference between peanut butter and jam?"""

"That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it's still the same principal that had to call your parents."

"In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands."

"The Fifa president, secretary general and communications director are all travelling in a car. Who's driving? The police. Not mine: http://www.bbc.com/sport/0/football/33099881"

"Coworker to me: "" Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You're single with no kids."" Me: "" Exactly."""