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Joke of the Day

"And, Johnny? How did your school report turn out?"" asks mother. Come on mom, the most important thing is that I'm healthy!"

"DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light DOG DRIVER: it was gray! COP: no, it was gray! DRIVER: gray! COP: *starts barking* DRIVER: *barking*"

"Being drunk was nice because it gave me an excuse for why I'm such an asshole."

"Why did your sister feed money to her cow ? Because she wanted to get rich milk."

"A man died in a grain silo... He ran himself to death, trying to find a corner to pee in."

"The Conjuring 3: Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids. The kids torment them back. They're better at it. The spirits flee."

"what colour were Kurt Cobain's eyes? blue one blew this way, one blew that way"

"Knock Knock... Whos there? John. John who? *John begins to weep as he realizes his grandmothers Alzheimer's has progressed to a level where she no longer remembers his name.*"

"""I don't want a lot for Christmas."" Later... ""All I want for Christmas is you."" EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH."

"After My Music Lesson, My Teacher Said I Should Be Tenor Tenor twelve feet away from her."