163777

Joke of the Day

"So in conclusion, the burglars in Home Alone 2 absolutely would have died. Thanks for coming to my Ted talk"

"HI, I'M STEVE'S CAPS LOCK KEY, AND I'D LIKE TO MEET OTHER CAPS LOCKS KEYS. I'M INTERESTED IN BOATING AND HIKING."

"""Hey Al, I heard you're constipated."" ""No shit."""

"Hitting on a girl at a bar.... She keeps telling me ""Dan, I'm bisexual, I'm bisexual."" I say ""That's great. I buy sex too. How much?"""

"One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book."

"Why does the number 288 not come up in polite conversation? Because it's two gross."

"I'm at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don't have to touch the handle."

"What did the terrorist say when he woke up? It was Allah dream."

"How does Stephen Hawking refresh after a long day? F5."

"A friend of mine is having her breasts enlarged. She's paying for it with her endowment fund."