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Joke of the Day

"So in conclusion, the burglars in Home Alone 2 absolutely would have died. Thanks for coming to my Ted talk"

"My college bar had a ""Blow your GPA"" drink special night until all the Asian students died..."

"My friend took my mood ring without my permission. I'm not sure how I feel about that."

"Top 3 screwdrivers: 1. Tool for turning screws 2. Vodka and orange juice 3. Method of Uber payment"

"""Excuse the mess; we had guests,"" I graciously explain, leaving out the ""five months ago"" part."

"I real reason I'm single I have a tiny penis."

"""I like your tree's earring."" ""That's a tire swing."""

"So I'm Calling random stores & saying ""Hey It's Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!"".... There's got to be a Michael at one of these places..."

"I'm so sick and tired of my friends who can't handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car."

"I'll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: ""of course you're supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot."""