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Joke of the Day

"How many Redditors does it take to change a light bulb? 1000 One to change it and 999 to walk into the same room and change the same light bulb without checking to see if it needed changing first."

"In order to finish my 2016 resolution, i cut off my left leg... That way, I'll reach my goal of losing 20 pounds AND start 2017 off on the right foot!"

"[on the phone with wife] Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin? ""Tell me why."" [winks at tattoo artist] No reason."

"Just tried to put my seatbelt on. AT MY DESK. I'm pretty."

"me: [letting dog lick my face] wife: that's disgusting me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you're the one who used all the hot water linda"

"26 letters, minus the U. What do you get? A solipsistic Alphabet."

"Saw a ""Don't Text and Drive"" sign on my way into work today. Good thing I took a second to look up from my phone, otherwise I may have missed it."

"In the year 1973, there were 2000 Elvis Impersonators. By 1993, over 30,000. At this rate, by 2050 1 out of 3 people will be Elvis"

"From school to work, I've spent the majority of my life staring out a window, waiting to leave."

"I love how people say they're ""expecting"" a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin or a lawnmower."