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Joke of the Day

"In the year 1973, there were 2000 Elvis Impersonators. By 1993, over 30,000. At this rate, by 2050 1 out of 3 people will be Elvis"

"me: it smells like updog in here me: what's updog me: not much dog what's up with you lmao me: lol therapist: I see"

"I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you're wondering it's 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books."

"What comes between fear and sex? Funf."

"LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn't know what to do with his life."

"Why did the baker have smelly hands? He kneaded a poo."

"Why was 6 afraid of 7? [not the traditional punchline] Because 7 was a registered 6 offender."

"Told my doctor I wanted him to check my prostate without lube He put both his hands on my shoulders and went to town"

"It's just an alarm clock Really, it is. http://imgur.com/tdZrIAB"

"I've decided my tweets sound better when I say them so instead of tweeting I'm just gonna call all of you when I think of stuff."