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Joke of the Day

"Saw a ""Don't Text and Drive"" sign on my way into work today. Good thing I took a second to look up from my phone, otherwise I may have missed it."

"What did the pulse say to the legume as he left? Lentil next time."

"My 5-year-old daughter hates it when I call her the ""C"" word... cranky. She starts crying, screaming and stomping around. It's at this point I have to tell her: ""Stop acting like a little cunt!"""

"Vibrato: Used by fretless players to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch."

"The only time I've ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping."

"My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa"

"Not now, kids. Daddy's pretending to be a woman on the Internet"

"What do you call an Italian Yeti? A Spaghyeti!"

"A battery murdered another battery He was charged with murder and put in a duracell."

"My biggest regret of 2014? Probably when my husband watched ""The Notebook"" with me and then I yelled at him for not building me a house"