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Joke of the Day

"WIFE: there's a bear outside our tent ME: so W: so scare him off M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president *bear jumps into fire*"

"A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the hole and she was happy with the thing."

"So I was buying a ticket for a train from London to Paris... And the man behind the desk said, ""Eurostar?"" So I replied, ""Well I've been on TV, but I'm no Johnny Depp!"""

"Ronda Rousey and I have something in common We both finish in 34 seconds."

"Welcome to Applebee's! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?"

"What do you call the High Sparrow who is caught molesting kids? The Deviated Septon."

"Star Wars Spoilers (not really) Dumbledore dies!"

"Non-Americans won't get this. Obesity"

"A man rings your internet doorbell.. Says: ""Can you spare 5 minutes to talk about Bernie Sanders?"""

"Did you hear about the dyslexic science teacher? He was teaching the Law of Conversation."