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Joke of the Day

"Welcome to Applebee's! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?"

"What's the difference between an illegal Mexican and ET? ET looked better, smelled better, learned English, didn't claim benefits, had his own fucking bike, and wanted to go home!"

"Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we're married and live together so I'd have to see them every day."

"I buy my son a hot chocolate so after he quits burning his mouth I know mine is safe to drink."

"What do you say to someone who is making a cardboard belt? ""That's a waist of paper!"""

"Let's play ""Is it an adjective or a verb?"" I love fucking pickles!"

"I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened."

"Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand? So she can moan with the other."

"What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other Ilene. What do you cal an Asian woman with one leg shorter than the other? Irene"

"What do you call an honest lawyer? An oxymoron."